.Dear Ashtabula Current Readers,
We’ve been through a full year together, and I’d like to sincerely thank you for continuing to read my pointed and borderline offensive material. You’ve seen me through my restaurant reviews, my Breaking Bad binge, and setting my New Year’s Resolutions.
How did my 2013 resolutions pan out? Well…
1. I moved out of my parents out!
2. I have a Big Girl job now! While I’m not making much more money, I have “sick days,” which are apparently free days off of work when you’re too sleepy to get up.
3. I volunteer more! In fact, I’m a “professional volunteer,” which is a real thing! I get paid to volunteer meow.
4. I threw away all of my underwear with holes.
I also resolved to feed my fish daily and only wear yoga pants while doing yoga. My fish is now dead (may Rivers Cuomo the fish rest in peace) and my stretch pants collection has grown. You win some you lose some.
Since I’m so good at keeping my own resolutions, I’ve chosen not to make New Year’s Resolutions this year, but rather, blame all of my problems on those who came before me. So America, here’s a list of things I think you should improve on in the next 12 months.
1. Lose 30 pounds. Collectively, I think we could all stand to lose 30 pounds.
2. Stop watching Singing Competition TV Shows. Do we really need to flood the market with 30 more pop stars each year?
3. Affordable Care Act. Stop complaining about it, and FIX it.
4. Find a cure for Cancer. I lost two grandparents to cancer in 2008 and another one of grandpas in 2012. In 2013 my aunt was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and my friend was diagnosed with throat cancer. As a way to fight back, my family started a Relay for Life team that enables us to raise money for cancer research all year round. Which leads to my next resolution…
5. Donating to the less fortunate. Whether you donate time, money, or resources, every bit helps for those who have none and those who cannot help themselves. Whether you choose to donate to cancer research, the puppies and kitties at the ASPCA, or for the homeless, there’s a lot to be said about what you get back when you give. And I mean… tax deductions.
6. STOP SPENDING MONEY YOU DON’T HAVE. The only ones winning here are the credit card and loan companies. This seems so simple, but really, if I have $5, I can’t spend $7. Credit without investment is just silly.
7. It would be a good idea if we all watched a movie starring Steve Martin at least once a week.
Those are my resolutions for you, America. I’m holding you accountable. If nothing else, please keep #2.
What are some of YOUR New Year’s Resolutions? What do YOU think America should resolve this year? Let me know below or tweet @JamiePierceAC !